Avoiding Shame: How to Choose the Right Children's Books on Anger
Anger is a natural emotional state. We all experience anger. When children experience intense anger, we often find ourselves turning to books for strategies on how to respond, how to teach strategies, and for suggestions on how to just *talk* about these strong emotions.
Turning to books is one of my biggest strategies and recommendations. Books introduce us to other people who are ‘like us’ and experiencing similar situations. Books provide a safe environment to discuss challenging situations and tasks. Books are also a great way to introduce emotional vocabulary.
In the classroom setting, story books can be used to talk about challenges between children and peers and to build relationship-enhancing strategies (Bhavnagi & Samuels, 1996). This is fantastic news as reading books is often a naturally occurring classroom activity (no ‘extra’ activities required!). The research suggests that providing explanations about the causes and consequences of emotional states relates to a child’s ability to ‘role play’ that type of situation. This means that we can use book reading experiences to foster empathy and perspective taking for different emotional states.
So what could possibly be the problem about using books to talk about anger? Shame. Many well intentioned books talk about anger in a way that promotes shame.
Shame vs. Guilt
Shame begins to develop as early as 2 years of age (Barrett, Cole, & Zahn-Waxler, 1993) with shame and guilt developing quickly between the ages of 3 and 4 years of age (Barret, Cole, & Zahn-Waxler, 1993; Bafunno & Camodeca, 2013). At these younger ages, it can be challenging to differentiate between ‘shame’ and ‘guilt’ - but the difference is oh so important.
Guilt is the emotion we experience when we have done something that we believe is wrong. Guilt focuses on the idea that the *action* we did wasn’t ‘correct’ or in alignment with what is expected. Shame is what we experience when we believe *we* are ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ at our core. Shame impacts our belief about who we are as a person - that we are somehow ‘wrong’ or ‘inferior’ or ‘less than’. Both emotions stem from not meeting expectations. However, they result in very different outcomes. Guilt is focused on the action while shame is focused on the person’s belief about who they are as a human.
The impact on shame versus guilt shows up early - in how we make repairs or amends for our actions. When a child experiences guilt, they are feeling bad about the *action* that has occurred. As a result, feelings of guilt are linked with increased repairs and reparations (Barrett, Cole, & Zahn-Waxler, 1993; EIsenberg, 2000; Tangney, Wagner, Fletcher, & Gramzow, 1992); In contrast, when a child experiences shame, they personally feel inferior and not ‘good enough’ and are less likely to make repairs or amends (Eisenberg, 2000). Shame impacts a child’s self identity.
Take a moment to consider your own child. When they do something ‘wrong’, are they able to make amends? Can then check in on a peer they bumped or apologize for knocking down a structure? Or do they hide, pull away, or ‘dig in’ further by continuing to push or knock down more items? Children experiencing shame are less likely to ‘check in’ or make amends for their actions (Eisenberg, 2000). Shame runs deep.
The shame anger cycle
Shame is also associated with increased difficulty with emotional regulation (Bafunno & Camodeca, 2013) along with increased anger, suspiciousness, resentment, irritability, and a tendency to blame others for negative events (Tangney, Wagner, Fletcher, & Gramzow, 1992).
This tends to create a shame-anger cycle. Children who experience shame around their anger, are more likely to respond with more intense anger. This reinforces the idea that the child is not doing what is ‘acceptable’ thus reinforcing a negative belief about oneself - promoting shame (Tangney, Wagner, Fletcher, et al., 1992).
Things to look for in books about anger
So what does that all mean? It means that it’s even more important that we are sensitive to how we talk about anger and how characters displaying anger are represented in stories. We want to make sure that we’re talking about anger factually - not suggesting that the person experiencing anger is *bad*. We also need to remember that building emotional regulation skills takes time and resources. Expecting a child to successfully regulate their emotions overnight is unrealistic and sets the child up to feel shame (feeling like they, as a person, cannot meet the expectations).
When choosing books, we want to choose books that represent and talk about anger in a respectful way. When choosing books, look for books that:
Discuss anger Factually:
What this looks like:
Characters in stories are neither “good” nor “bad”. People are complex.
Discusses anger and actions that occur because of anger factually instead of emotional - stating actions that happened without judgement
Phrases like: “It was hard for you to use your words and say you were frustrated” or “You were feeling mad that your tower fell over so you kicked some blocks”.
Why this is important:
Anger is a natural part of life. We want to make sure we’re not passing judgement on how people respond when they are angry.
When children (and adults!) are feeling angry they might do or say things they don’t mean. Remember, that doesn’t define who they are as a person.
Build empathy and understanding for the character experiencing anger
What this looks like:
Reasons for the anger should be shared from the character’s point of view - there is always a reason behind the anger. As adults, we might not necessarily see or understand the child’s perspective. However, to the child, their perspective is important and should be validated (remember, we don’t have to agree with a child’s perspective to acknowledge their point of view).
After reading the story, you should be able to explain the reason why the character was feeling angry or frustration.
Our thoughts connect to our emotional state (“When I think about _______, I feel _______”)
Phrases like: “I dropped my favorite marble down the toilet, I spilled on my favorite t-shirt, and then my best friend couldn’t play because he was sick. I was feeling so angry”.
Why this is important:
Remember, anger itself isn’t ‘bad’. We want to talk about anger factually and without assigning a negative connotation to the emotional state or the actions a character does when they are feeling angry.
Understanding why someone is feeling the way they feel is validating. It also models ‘digging deeper’ for our children to help identify the reasons for their emotional state.
Notice a ‘build up’ of problems or expectations
What this looks like:
Many things going wrong throughout the day. Problems and situations can build on each other until, finally, the character responds with anger or frustration.
Phrases like, “I tried to tie my shoes but my laces snapped, my shirt sleeve got stuck bunched up inside my jacket, I didn’t get to wash my hands at my favorite classroom sink, the purple markers were all out of ink, it was sandwiches for lunch and I hate sandwiches” etc.
Why this is important:
Often children experience periods of anger or frustration following a build-up of activities. This might be a variety of problems that have happened throughout the day, sensory difficulties, or environmental concerns.
Recognizing the ‘lead up’ that results in larger responses can be incredibly helpful for the adult reading the story - helping adults to consider what else might be causing some larger responses in a child.
As we deal with more problems, our ability to deal with those problems decreases.
Emphasize sensations
What this looks like:
Before characters experience stronger emotions, the author provides some insight into what they notice inside their body - noticing heart rate, breathing, temperature, muscle tension, and/or overall body movements (interoception).
Phrases like, “I noticed my heart beating quickly and my skin start to get hot and prickly. I was starting to feel angry”
Why this is important:
Sensations are so important! If you’re new to this concept, check out these blogs on how sensations relate to emotions and also some of my favorite books for introducing sensations.
When talking about anger, it’s oh so important for us to notice the sensations that ‘go with’ the emotion of anger. Remember, if it seems like a child is ‘just losing it’ then *you* are missing all the lead-ups ;-).
Show adults handling periods of anger or frustration
What this looks like:
Adults in a story serve as a model for using strategies in ‘real time’
Adults might share about a similar experience or we might actively see an adult working to problem solve a situation or manage their own anger.
Phrases like, “Yesterday, I couldn’t find my keys and started to feel very frustrated. I noticed my hands squeezing tight, my face getting hot, and my heart beating fast. I took a moment to take a deep breath and do some hand squeezes. Then, I asked for help finding my keys”.
Why this is important:
Everyone experiences anger in their life. Showing adults managing their own anger or frustration helps children understand this is not a ‘one and done’ type of situation.
Children are often still developing these skills so it can be hard for them to use these skills spontaneously and without adult support. Adults are older, so it is expected for adults to have more developed skills than a child.
feature characters helping and assisting the character with strong emotions
What this looks like:
Other characters serving as a ‘coach’ or providing ‘co-regulation’ for the character who is having a harder time.
Phrases like, “The bunny sat with the girl and took some deep breaths, in through her nose and back out through her nose” or “Mom offered a pillow so I could get out my energy”.
Why this is important:
Co-regulation is where it’s at! Many children who experience strong instances of anger do not yet have the skills to regulate this anger on their own. Expecting them to do so sets them up for the shame cycle (something is wrong with me, everyone else can self-regulate, why can’t I just use my breathing, etc.)
Having characters serve in a ‘coaching’ role normalizes the idea that we sometimes need help and getting help is expected. Let’s be honest, it also serves as a positive reminder to adults that co-regulation is the way to go! (Need more info, check out: What you Need to Know about Emotional Regulation and How to Help your Child Calm when they ‘Refuse’ Strategies).
Recognize that learning how to respond to anger takes time and practice
What this looks like:
Multiple opportunities for the character to practice using strategies (ideally with someone still coaching and providing co-regulation).
Acknowledgement that learning how to respond when feeling very angry and/or frustrated will still take time and practice.
Phrases like, “Sometimes things are frustrating. That’s okay. When I notice I’m starting to feel angry, I’m learning how to relax my muscles and take deep breaths”.
Why this is important:
Learning how to respond to anger is not a ‘one and done’ situation. Regulating any emotional state takes practice. Even adults experience instances when they ‘lose their cool’ or have regrets about how they responded to a situation. Adults aren’t perfect and neither are children.
After looking at a book, pause and consider how you would feel if this book was written to describe you and you engage and react. Does it make you feel good? Do you feel understood or do you feel like the ‘villain’"? If we expect children to develop empathy and understanding of others, we must first model that empathy and understanding ourselves.
Things to avoid in books about anger
I have yet to find the ‘perfect’ book discussing anger. However, I’m also incredibly picky about what books I choose and frequently modify books. When choosing books talking about anger, it’s so important that we either stay away from books that contain the following characteristics or that we edit these parts of the book out (if you feel the rest of the story is helpful).
Scroll down for my top books that respectfully discuss anger!
When choosing books about anger, avoid books that:
Feature Unrealistically quick development of skills
What this looks like:
Phrases like: “When I get angry, I know how to handle it/fix it”
Immediate changes in responses: A child struggles when losing a game, but after a quick demonstration of some deep breathing, the child loses another game and is immediately fine.
Why this is problematic:
It’s not realistic. We know that children can learn the ‘rules’ or expectations for a task well before they are capable of doing this task on their own (see - emotional regulation development for more information).
It places all of the requirements on the child. Adults play an important role in developing emotional regulation skills and in supporting children in understanding and responding to their emotional states.
show One sided representation (there’s a ‘bad guy’)
What this looks like:
Phrases like: “Johnny gets mad when he doesn’t get his way”
Removing or getting rid of a ‘negative’ character within a person (ex: banishing the monster from within you)
One person ‘having a dragon or monster’ (but only the person who experiences anger)
Why this is problematic:
Our goal is to build empathy and understanding. Everyone experiences anger and frustration. It’s natural and not anything to feel ashamed of. Removing the ‘anger parts’ of a person sends the message that emotion or that part is ‘unacceptable’.
There’s always a reason for the anger. Part of how we build that empathy and understanding is by connecting with the character’s perspective and point of view. Labeling a character as someone who just wants to ‘get their way’ or as someone who ‘throws tantrums’ doesn’t provide insight into why that person is experiencing the strong emotional state.
Remember, children who experience shame are more likely to respond with increased anger. Therefore, it’s important that we acknowledge with kindness and compassion the anger experienced.
Suggest that the character is always ‘in control’ of their actions
What this looks like:
Phrases like: “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit”
The idea the once a character knows they’re not supposed to hit or bite or kick, they suddenly stop
Why this is problematic:
Most children know that the actions that happen when they’re angry are not okay. However, in the moment, these actions usually aren’t in the child’s control. Constantly reminding a child that their actions are not okay and make other people feel bad is going to contribute to a shame response (I’m making other people feel bad, I am a bad person).
Of course if you haven’t had this conversation yet with your child, you can try. This is more for older children (preschoolers +) who are well aware that biting or hitting or kicking is not okay and yet they find themselves engaging in those actions during periods of meltdown or emotional upset.
Downplay a child’s perspective on a situation
What this looks like:
Phrases like: “It’s just a broken crayon, that’s a small problem and there’s no need for a big fit”
Identifying problems as being ‘small’ problems or commenting that the child’s response is ‘unreasonable’ or ‘unnecessary’ given the situation.
Why this is problematic:
To the child, in the moment, it *is* a big deal. Remember, we’re considering the child’s perspective. To the child, whatever happened to them means they can no longer handle their emotions. Maybe there has been a build up of things that have happened. Maybe they are experiencing sensory overload.
“Good people” or “good friends” don’t do XYZ
What this looks like:
Phrases like: “Good friends don’t throw blocks”.
Characters are shown as ‘good’ (right) or ‘bad’ (wrong) based on how they interact or respond when angry/frustrated.
Why this is problematic:
Again, *most* children know that hitting or kicking or throwing things, etc is wrong. Remember, there’s a difference between knowing something and having the skills to regulate emotional states in the moment.
Consider what this tells children about who they are as a person is they do do those things? If a child throws something when they are upset, they’re a “bad friend” or “not a good helper”. That speaks to their identity - who they are at their core. That promotes shame.
Everyone at some point in their life, has lost control. That doesn’t make them a bad person or a bad friend. It means they had a hard time and needed some support.
Phew! That felt like a lot. You can probably tell I’ve spent quite the chunk of time thinking through this whole process! To make things easier, I’ve put these recommendations into a handout (formatted much nicer than a blog post!). You can grab you “Choosing Books on Anger” handout here.
5 Books for respectfully introducing anger
Of course I also have a few books that are my preferred books for talking about anger. I’ve also found that it’s helpful to talk about anger in stages (moving from books only about anger to books that feature elements of anger). These books are the books that I use in the ‘intro’ stage - when we’re introducing the idea of anger and how it presents in our body. Are they all perfect? No. Do I frequently make some adaptations? Yes. That’s okay. Here is my current list of books including why I like the book and things that I change.
1. Angry Octopus by Lori Lite:
Overview:
One morning, an octopus wakes up to find his display of seashells ruined. Octopus realizes that lobsters, traveling through the ocean, destroyed the octopus’ creations. The octopus is anger. A passing sea child guides the octopus in some muscular relaxation activities.
Why I like it:
Discusses anger without judgement.
Builds empathy and understanding for why the octopus is upset
it’s upsetting to wake up and find your home has been destroyed/messed up!
Emphasizes sensations
This story does a great job outlining the sensations that the octopus begins to experience inside his body. The more we recognize our sensations, the easier it is to realize when we’re starting to feel different emotional states.
Features a coaching character
A sea child guides the octopus through deep breathing and muscular relaxation.
Bonus Points: This book gets *bonus points* for focusing on strategies beyond deep breaths (so many children struggle to identify with deep breathing). With muscle tension often being a sensations associated with anger, muscular relaxation is a *fantastic* strategy for helping to release emotions stored in the body.
Things I change/add:
The story ends with the octopus now using his new skills whenever he’s starting to feel angry. I modify to have the sea child continue to provide coaching and the octopus still sometimes getting upset. Regulating anger is a process, not a ‘one time’ quick fix.
2. Zach Gets Frustrated by William Mulcahy:
Overview:
Zach is spending the day at the beach with his family. Zach is trying to fly his kite but his kite just won’t seem to fly. Zach has tried multiple times and is beginning to become frustrated. Zach’s dad notices and helps Zach regulate his body. They also reflect on some of the other challenging things that happened to Zach earlier in the day.
Why I like it:
Builds empathy and understanding for why Zach is upset
Notices a ‘build up’ of problems
Zach’s dad notices that Zach has had a rough day overall (friend not available, dropped his toothbrush in the toilet, spilled the litter box). All of these things ‘add up’ and take away our ability to manage and respond to situations.
Discusses anger without judgement
Zach’s dad chooses to not comment on Zach calling his kite “stupid, stinking, idiotic, no-fun kite”. As grownups, we get to choose what will and will not be helpful to focus on. In this instance, calling a kite a name isn’t a priority ;-)
Shows adults handling frustration
Zach isn’t the only character who is frustrated. Zach’s dad brings up an instance when he got mad himself - emphasizing that everyone experiences frustration, even our parents.
Coaching character (Zach’s dad)
Bonus Points: This book models *several* calming strategies. Zach’s dad also respects Zach when Zach doesn’t want to try his first recommended strategy.
Things I change/add:
This story uses The Frustration Triangle and I change the wording. I like the naming of the emotion and the use of strategies (when appropriate). The third point is ‘reframing’ which encourages focusing on the positive aspects. Sometimes, things are just frustrating and that’s okay. As a result, I tend to skip or re-work the final few pages of the book.
3. Allie All Along by Sarah Lynne Reul
Overview:
Allie is coloring when her crayon snaps. Suddenly, it seems like Allie is a different person. She is mad. She hits and yells and screams. Slowly, with support from her brother, she begins to regain control and ‘Allie’ re-emerges.
Why I like it:
Discusses anger without judgement
From Allie’s brother’s perspective, Allie suddenly becomes so angry (after a crayon broke). Many adults might see this as a ‘small problem’ and suggest that Allie’s response was ‘too large’ given the situation. Allie’s brother doesn’t do that.
No character says “There’s no reason to act that way!” or “yelling doesn’t help”. Allie receives the support she needs even if others don’t think it’s a ‘big deal’.
Coaching character
Allie’s brother meets Allie where she is and provides appropriate support and regulatory strategies.
Allie first needs to expend some physical energy (punching a pillow) before she is ready for some ‘calmer’ strategies (deep breathing).
Bonus Points: Allie’s brother is a fantastic co-regulator. He stays calm and offers appropriate levels of support. I also love that this book recognizes that we don’t always know why we’re feeling mad or upset. When we’re ‘in the moment’ it’s often hard for children to articulate their thoughts and feelings.
Things I change/add:
Highlighting how frustrating having broken crayons must be to Allie. Different people have different things that are incredibly important and/or incredibly frustrating to them.
Adding in additional information about Allie’s perspective. This book is written from her brother’s point of view. The positive, is that it models ways to provide support and to still love his sister.
Remove the phrase: ”threw a tantrum, a fuss, and a fit”. When Allie is upset, she’s struggling to problem solve and regulate her emotions in that moment. She is not throwing a tantrum, a fuss, or a fit. She’s a child who is having a hard time and needs some support.
4. Angry Cookie by Laura Dockrill
Overview:
We meet a cookie who asks us not to spend time with him or turn the pages (but of course the reader does). In time, the cookie explains to the reader all the things that happened to him during the day, explaining why he is angry. After sharing about his day, the cookie finds comfort in having someone with him (the reader) which helps the cookie feel better.
Why I like it:
Discusses anger without judgement
We’re only hearing the cookie’s side of things so there is no judgement or anyone telling the cookie that he’s “bad” or that he should have done any of the things he did.
Builds empathy and understanding for the character
In this story the cookie is ‘talking’ to the reader (who isn’t being respectful of the cookie’s requests!). We’re supposed to like the cookie for who he is and we do! It makes it easy for the reader to understand and consider where the cookie is coming from.
Notices a ‘build up’ of problems
The cookie has many ‘small’ (for lack of better word) problems that happen to him. However all of these problems start to become frustrating. We’ve all had one of *those days* when it seems like nothing goes right - they tend to be very frustrating!
Bonus Points: The cookie starts to feel better when he realizes that the reader is just *there* for him. Sometimes we don’t need reminders to *do something* extra to reduce our anger or frustration. Sometimes we just need someone to listen.
Things I change/add:
Towards the end, the cookie uses some names to describe how he was feeling (ex: grumpy lump, meanie moody, etc). I’m sure the intention was to be cute and playful. However, for children who identify as being “the same” as the cookie, we don’t want to use these types of names to talk about or define them. I just change this page to “You listen to me even when I’m feeling angry. You’re still here.”.
5. The Snurtch by Sean Ferrell
Overview:
This one might be a bit of a surprise, but stick with me! In this story, Ruthie is a girl who has a ‘snurtch’. Her snurtch sometimes does things without Ruthie’s permission and these things tend to get Ruthie in trouble. However, Ruthie eventually realizes that everyone has a snurtch and that’s okay. Some days, her snurtch listens to her and is easier to ‘control’ while other days it is not.
Why I like it:
Builds empathy and understanding of the character
Ruthie initially doesn’t like her snurtch. However, we empathize with her because she struggles to control her snurtch and figure out what to do with it.
We feel for Ruthie when ‘her snurtch’ makes her throw pencils and forget the question being asked. It’s important for us to develop empathy for children who are experiencing levels of frustration and anger.
Discusses anger without judgement
Everyone has a snurtch - this lesson is saved until the very end of the book. It’s a perfect reminder that there isn’t anything “wrong” with Ruthie just because she has a snurtch, we all have one.
Bonus points: Ruthie doesn’t magically end up ‘controlling’ her snurtch. This book doesn’t talk about strategies or suggestions for controlling the snurtch (but those could be built in) and Ruthie’s snurtch doesn’t “go away”. Even though Ruthie still has her snurtch, people still like her and are still her friend. I also love how Ruthie often feels like things happen that she can’t control. Many children are not in control of their body or the things they do when they are angry.
Things I change/add:
Build in opportunities for co-regulation strategies - I talk a lot about how the adults in the story could help Ruthie. When the teacher or Ruthie’s classmates reprimand Ruthie (like sending her to time out), I consider whether or not that seems helpful. Ruthie isn’t capable of controlling her snurtch right now, how is sending her to time out going to help? This is a great learning experience for the adults to really assess whether their actions are helpful in the situation (not so much!)
Discuss potential sensations Ruthie might feel before her snurtch ‘takes over’. Understanding our sensations and how they relate to our emotions is so important. Consider what sensations Ruthie might begin to notice before her snurtch does things without Ruthie’s knowledge.
6. When Sophie Gets Angry - Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang
Overview:
Sophie is playing with a toy when it is taken away and given to her sibling (it’s no longer Sophie’s turn). Sophie becomes angry and runs out of the house to run off her anger. After some time passes, Sophie goes back home and joins her family working on a puzzle.
Why I like it:
Builds empathy and understanding of the character
From Sophie’s perspective, her toy is suddenly taken away from her and that is somehow deemed ‘fair’ and ‘okay’ by her parent. How frustrating!
Bonus points: Ruthie engages in physical activity to get her anger out. When she returns home, her parents don’t dwell on the situation, they simply welcome her back.
Things I change/add:
Further discussion about the toy - who does the toy belong to? If it belongs to Sophie, does she *have* to share her favorite thing? If it’s a ‘family toy’, what strategies could be put in place to help with the transition?
What are some other physical options if running isn’t a choice? We can’t all run out of our front door when we’re feeling angry ;-) Notice other options (ex: hitting pillows, pushing hands on a wall, swings, jumping, bear crawls).
There you have it! These books are my favorite ‘starter books’ for introducing ‘anger’. Are there others out there? Absolutely! That’s why I also wanted to guide you through the process I use when selecting books about anger.
There are so many books out there on anger. But, we also know that not all books are a positive fit for all children. When choosing books, it’s so important that we are not accidentally shaming our children for how they are feeling or how they are responding to situations. Children who have a harder time with emotional regulation are likely already beginning to experience some shame.
This blog covered a lot of information. I’ve put the guidelines for choosing books (what the look for and what to stay away from) in this handout for easier reference and use. As always, if you come across a book you love, I’d love to hear about it!
References:
Bafunno, D., Camodeca, M. (2013). Shame and guilt development in preschoolers: The role of context, audience and individual characteristics. European Journal of Developmental Psychology, 10, 128-143.
Barrett, K. C., Cole, P. M., & Zahn-Waxler, C. (1993). Avoiders versus amenders: Implications for the investigation of guilt and shame during toddlerhood? Cognition and Emotion, 7(6), 481-505.
Bhavnari, N. P., & Samuels, B. P. (1996). Children’s literature and activities promoting social cognition of peer relationship in preschoolers. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 11, 307-331.
Eisenberg, N. (2000). Emotion, regulation, and moral development. Annual Review of Psychology, 46, 313.
Tangney, J. P., Wagner, P., Fletcher, C., Gramzow, R. (1992). Shamed into anger? The relation of shame and guilt to anger and self-reported aggression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62, 669-675.